I remembered...

Konnichiwa, mina-san~

Pink dresses...

Can you believe that it's already the end of January? For many, it's a relief, and for some, it's a tragic tale to be told.  And speaking of tales, I made a couple of new friends today--and one of them spoke of a simple and innocent story--something I named "The Starfish Girl."


...and white flowers...

She told me, "Once upon a time, there was a very pretty beach.  A huge ocean wave washed up the beach, and with it, many starfish were left all over the land, and they were unable to get back into the water.  So, they laid there in the hot sun, dying away very slowly.  A girl saw them and began to walk all over the beach, picking them one by one--and throwing them back into the ocean.

Now, someone went up to her and said, 'What are you doing?'

'I'm throwing them all back into the water.  If I don't, they're all going to die.'

That someone then told her, 'You're crazy! There's too many of them! Some of them are all going to die, anyway!'

And the girl said, 'Well...at least I tried.'"
Mina-san...I tried really hard.

In less than a year, we all have changed--each and every one of us.  What we know of each other had changed within a matter of months.  Many things happened, dramas and all.  I thought I knew everything...and I thought I could save...everyone.

Maybe I did, mina-san.  Maybe I didn't.

I remembered a long time ago, when there was so, so much dramas--a friend told me, "What are you doing? You can't save everyone! You're crazy!"

Just like that someone telling the Starfish Girl.

But instead, I told him, "Yes, I can.  I can save everyone."

I was very naive...and little did I know at the time, I was in for "it."

For the entire school year, mina-san, Yoko-chan ran everywhere--she didn't care where she went as long as there were problems.  And you know what? They weren't even hers, but she didn't care.  She tried everything, fixed everything, making sure there were no leaks, making sure everything--everyone was happy.  Because that way--she too could be happy.  But no...there was a leak that she missed...and everything, mina-san, everything came tumbling down before her very eyes.

She couldn't save everyone.  She couldn't even protect herself.  She couldn't save herself.

All of those problems...were just as countless as those starfish.

And I thought...at the time...I could pick up every single one of them--through rain or shine or snow--and throw them back into the ocean.

But you know, I somehow missed some...and they died.  Something like that.  Time ran out.

And it made me really sad...and angry...and depressed.

I tried asking that someone for help, mina-san.  I did.  But when someone actually tried helping me, it was already too late.  The starfish were dead, and I couldn't save them anymore.  I was heartbroken, devastated, and confused--wondering where everything went wrong and whether or not I should've asked for help even when people didn't lend me a hand or anything at all.  I was numb.

And for a very long time, I couldn't walk away from that beach. Even when I was sick and cold and tired and hungry for warmth.

However, one day, when I finally packed up to leave...I saw that at the entrance/exit of the beach--there were a group of people.  They wanted to bury the dead starfish.  And they brought many unfamiliar faces.  I didn't know how to feel or act when one of them asked me to leave.

And to be honest, I was so happy...when I saw them.

And I was happy when I looked back at the beach, knowing that I tried my best in saving the starfish.  I tried really hard.  Even when none of them belonged to me or were supposed to concern me anyway.





I had no regrets or maybe I do have a few.  Starfish Girl tried really hard, so hard--I don't know what anyone would do if they were in my place.  I felt so much pain, and I'm sure everyone did too.  But imagine--waking up every morning, telling yourself what or how you're going to solve the problem--and worrying and crying every week, every night when you couldn't fix it...and you're tired...but you wanted to so badly fix it.  You wanted to save everyone, and you didn't care about yourself.  You didn't love yourself.

Ever since I left the beach, I've been feeling a bit happier.  It feels really empty, and it's been so quiet...  But when I left, I was met with a few familiar faces at the Gates.  People who had been so good to me even before I went to go see the ocean.  They had been so faithful, so loyal, and kind toward me for a very long, long time.  Even when I didn't go see them or talk to them too much, they still waited for me at the end.  I felt blessed and very lucky to have met them.

I want to thank everyone for being so good to me.  I want to thank them for the smiles and laughter, all the fun and adventures we've gone on, the battles we all took part fighting in, the victories we've won as a team, the tears and warm hugs, the bright and shiny memories that'll forever live on and never fading away, and for all the lessons we've taught each other through our friendships and stronger-yet bonds.

I'm on a smooth road so far to self-recovery.  My new friends today shared me a story I really enjoyed listening to, and yes, it'll take time for complete healing.  I don't plan to cry anymore.  I don't plan to run missions for people anymore.  I don't plan to not love myself anymore.  I don't plan to fight battles in which I wasn't even asked to--anymore.  I don't plan to save everyone anymore.

I'll only plan to...try saving everyone.  Or for the most part, mostly everyone.

Either way, I am grateful for everything.  And I am taking my curtsy from the beach now.  No more beaches.  Maybe little visits.  But...you see, the sun doesn't only shine there.

It shines everywhere.

And perhaps, the palm trees were only blocking the skies.

Before, I only saw gray ones.  I hated gray skies.  And it rained a lot.

Sure, there were sunny days too.  But one morning, I looked behind those tall trees--and for the first time in a long while, I saw that there were blue skies in places I didn't look at before.

And there were birds.  Many of them.

So, mina-san, thanks.  You all are still very dear to me, really important.

You'll be hearing from me again.  I'm still strong.  And I'm still standing.

And standing tall.


-Yoko-chan